This experience made me think of all of the things about pregnancy/motherhood that are happening to me simultaneously yet are opposing forces. For instance, focusing on what I've always done on Mother's Day (celebrate others) yet receiving appreciation for my own short journey into motherhood. Lately I've been feeling the pressure both physically and emotionally about my upcoming life change. I waited for SO long for summer to arrive and now that the weather is changing, I feel myself with a slight panic that this season brings me a newborn. By the time the leaves change, I will have a human that I am responsible for! It is the weirdest thing to both wish time would speed up and slow down.
I've also been experiencing a slower pace of life, which my monkey brain tells me I should be utilizing to prep the house for baby, make myself meals ahead of time, install car seat, etc... yet what I usually end up doing is taking a nap with my dogs. It's like two versions of me at odds with one another, "Carise, get all this s**t done or you will regret it!!" vs. "Carise, do nothing and sleep while you can or you will regret it!"
Since baby has been moving quite a bit, I find myself thinking about how much he/she will be moving once they are outside and in my arms. And that's just the tip of the iceberg of what I wonder about their outside life. What will they look like? What will they sleep (not sleep) like? Will there be any health issues? Will I be woman enough to handle this? Will the dogs accept our new family member? Yet everyone who's been pregnant tells me to revel in this time that they are within my body and I can feel their movements because I will miss it someday. Lemme tell ya, the grass seems greener on the other side some days...at least then I know what I'm dealing with and it's not one big unknown.
At prenatal yoga class this evening, our instructor Lindsay asked us to write down a definition of motherhood and she read them intermittently through the class. She came to my definition when we were in our final resting pose, shavasana (the nap at the end of class...for all you non-yogis). As she read the words, I knew they were mine but I had a hard time believing that those words came from my own head since I have a hard time trusting my own intuition sometimes. Here is what I came up with:
"Motherhood is something we are simultaneously and instinctively amazing at...yet never quite ready for"
Chills ran down my spine as I heard my own words being read and realized that all of the conundrums about pregnancy, motherhood, and womanhood in general were not meant for me to choose from, but rather to co-exist in perfect imperfection.
A few years ago, my cousin Beth forwarded me a video project that sought to answer the question of what mom's would say to their pregnant selves if they could go back in time. Being that it is Mother's Day and that I have yet to find a more positive yet realistic picture of what moms experience in the journey of becoming a mother, it is my delight to share it with you this evening.
Take a moment, dry your tears....this video always gets me too....
Here's one last picture for you...
Aaaand, since we've had plenty of emo and sentimental time during this blog entry, I leave you with a story about the lighter side of pregnancy....
Earlier this week, my dear husband and I were watching TV and I was donning my usual nighttime attire which consists of little more than a tank top and some Victorias Secret sensible cotton briefs. I got up to switch the channel and Dan, in all his honest-to-goodness innocence said to me, "Babe, are your underwear shrinking cause of the new dryer? Maybe we need to check the settings?"
No dear, that's my ass girth expanding for the purpose of birthing your child into this world....thanks.
Hope that made your night....
XOXOXOXO
Love, all of the Beards
