The Birth Playlist

Ok, here is my official last post about my birth.  It is time for me to focus all my energy on being Mama now with my child on the outside.  It's clear that there seems to be a transition happening with my body and mind that seems to be letting go of being pregnant and focusing now on our little family of 5.  This continues to amaze me how women can shift roles so quickly but it also is a bit nostalgic.  I miss some things about pregnancy: getting sleep, feeling movement, being able to get to places on time, etc..  But every new thing that Cash does and every time he falls asleep in my arms makes him being on the outside so worth it.

Here is the birth playlist for anyone who is interested.

Something                                                      Across The Universe

Lovesong                                                        ADELE

Breathe                                                          Alexi Murdoch                      

Orange Sky                                                    Alexi Murdoch          

Love You More                                              Alexi Murdoch          

If I Was Your Woman/Walk On By             Alicia Keys

Feeling U, Feeling Me                                    Alicia Keys     

Fire We Make                                                            Alicia Keys & Maxwell          

Diary                                                               Alicia Keys & Tony! Toni! Toné

Jails & Bombs                                                 Amos Lee

Black River                                                     Amos Lee       

Arms Of A Woman                                        Amos Lee       

Blackbird                                                        The Beatles   

And I Love Her                                              The Beatles   

Across The Universe                                     The Beatles   

Let It Be                                                          The Beatles   

Don't Let Me Down                                       The Beatles   

Norwegian Wood                                          The Beatles   

Two of Us                                                       The Beatles                                       

In the Lords Arms                                         Ben Harper

With My Own Two Hands                            Ben Harper   

Strawberry Fields                                         Ben Harper   

By My Side                                                     Ben Harper                                       

Forever                                                           Ben Harper                                       

The Woman In You                                       Ben Harper                                       

Waiting on an Angel                                     Ben Harper                                       

In the Colors                                                  Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals

Stir It Up                                                        Bob Marley   

One Love / People Get Ready                      Bob Marley   

Waiting In Vain                                             Bob Marley   

Is This Love                                                    Bob Marley   

Sun Is Shining                                               Bob Marley   

Satisfy My Soul                                              Bob Marley   

Mellow Mood                                                 Bob Marley   

Skinny Love                                                   Bon Iver        

Just Call Out My Name                                 Carole King                                       

It's Too Late                                                   Carole King                                       

Sideways                                                        Citizen Cope  

No One Said It Would Be Easy                     Cloud Cult     

When Water Comes to Life                          Cloud Cult     

Sparks                                                                        Coldplay        

Fix You                                                           Coldplay

Swallowed In The Sea                                  Coldplay

Kingdom Come                                              Coldplay

Like a Star                                                      Corinne Bailey Rae   

Smooth                                                           D'Angelo        

How Does it Feel?                                          D'Angelo                                            

Nothing Even Matters                                  D'Angelo                                            

Brown Sugar                                                  D'Angelo        

The Blower's Daughter                                Damien Rice

Cannonball                                                    Damien Rice  

Sons & Daughters                                         The Decemberists    

Shake It Loose                                               Dolphin Boy  

On My Mind                                                   Donavon Frankenreiter       

Call Me Papa                                                  Donavon Frankenreiter       

I Can't Tell You Why (Live)                         The Eagles    

On & On                                                         Erykah Badu 

Didn't Cha Know                                           Erykah Badu 

Kiss Me On My Neck                                     Erykah Badu 

Bag Lady                                                        Erykah Badu 

20 Feet Tall                                                    Erykah Badu 

Gone Baby, Don't Be Long                            Erykah Badu 

Come Rain Or Come Shine                           Etta James     

Trust In Me (Etta James)                             Etta James     

Window Seat                                                 Eykah Badu                                      

Rather Go Blind                                             Etta James                                         

Strength, Courage, & Wisdom                      India.Arie      

He Heals Me                                                   India.Arie      

The Way I Am                                                            Ingrid Michaelson    

On Your Wings                                              Iron and Wine                                  

Naked As We Came                                       Iron and Wine                                  

Cinder and Smoke                                        Iron and Wine                      

Love and Some Verses                                  Iron and Wine                                  

Woman King                                                  Iron and Wine          

Hallelujah                                                       Jeff Buckley   

I'm Not Afraid                                                Jill Scott         

In My Life                                                       Johnny Cash 

I Walk The Line                                             Johnny Cash 

Honey And The Moon                                   Joseph Arthur           

When it Hurts So Bad                                   Lauryn Hill    

Can't Take My Eyes Off of You                    Lauryn Hill    

Tell Him (Live)                                              Lauryn Hill    

Dance Me to the End of Love                       Madeleine Peyroux  

Pretty Wings (Uncut)                                   Maxwell         

In the Indigo                                                  Nancy Harms In the Indigo

Bye Bye Blackbird                                         Nancy Harms In the Indigo 

I'm Pulling Through                                     Nancy Harms In the Indigo 

Pink Moon                                                      Nick Drake                

One Of These Things First                           Nick Drake    

Feeling Good                                                  Nina Simone 

Go to Sleep Little Baby                                  O’Brother Where Art Thou Soundtrack

Down to the River to Pray                            O’Brother Where Art Thou Soundtrack

Movement and Location                               Punch Brothers

The Moonlight Is Ours                                  Roma di Luna           

Honey                                                             Romantica     

Oscar Wilde                                                   Romantica     

You Got Me                                                    The Roots Feat. Erykah Badu

Soldier of Love                                               Sade   

Ny batteri                                                       Sigur ros lek  

The Sound Of Silence                                               Simon & Garfunkel   

The Only Living Boy In New York               Simon & Garfunkel   

Anywhere I Go                                               Slightly Stoopid        

Heirloom                                                        Sufjan Stevens          

Decatur                                                          Sufjan Stevens          

To Be Alone with You                                   Sufjan Stevens          

Alone                                                              Trampled By Turtles           

Midnight On the Interstate                          Trampled By Turtles           

Crystalised                                                     The xx           

In The Waiting Line                                      Zero 7

Amber                                                                        311     

Sharing my playlist feels a bit like sharing my diary with you all.  It was a source of comfort before, during, and after my birth.  Now, new songs have meaning to me.  The songs we sing Cash at bedtime.  The theme song of Breaking Bad, which is our "go to" show after Cash goes to bed at night.  And my two favorite kids albums - Ziggy Marley's Family Time and the Okee Dokee Brother's Can You Canoe?  Technically Cash isn't old enough to know whether we are playing kids music or not so, true confession, I actually really like these albums.  

We are looking forward to Cash's dedication next weekend at Minnehaha Falls Park.  Every time we are surrounded by our dearest friends and family, it feels good.  To be surrounded because we have a new little family member makes it that much better.  

Much love

XOXO

Beards

Our Son, The Supermodel

Hey!  We finally got around to doing newborn pics but since it took us a little while they are technically "5 Week Old" pics.  Many thanks to Travis Anderson for capturing our little man so well.  We had a lot of fun doing the shoot.

Here is a little video of some of my favorites, stay tuned within the next couple weeks to see the pictures that aren't in the video.....Johnny Cash only writes short songs :)

Also, for those who have been asking, I will be posting the birth playlist and would be happy to make CDs for any of my pregnant mamas who are in need of some music therapy during their birth.

Enjoy!

The Birth Story

Well, here it is.  Exactly one month later.  Apologies for not updating sooner but I'm guessing most of you who follow me on here heard the news that my baby was, in fact, born.  And he's lovely.  And actually, you know what, I take back my apologies for not updating, I have been falling madly in love with my little Cash and had no time for anything else :)  Enjoy.  A special thank you to Lindsay and Tanya, my attending midwives from the Minnesota Birth Center, Angela, my amazing doula, Lisa, our dear friend and photographer, and all of our friends and family who supported our birth from near and far.

The Birth Story

I am a psychotherapist.  This means two things:  1) People inevitably ask me about their brother/sister/husband/Rabbi who is having relationship problems and want my opinion and 2) I psychoanalyze myself…a lot.  Childbirth was the first thing in my life that I could not think my way through.  In fact, during our Blooma Educators childbirth class, I remember them saying one thing that stuck with me, “There’s only room for one head in your pelvis, your baby’s”.  I latched on (Get it? Breastfeeding joke!) and even used this anecdote during some of my client sessions to try to help others overcome the fear of childbirth.  Little did I know that keeping my own head out of my pelvis during birth would be an incredibly challenging and life-changing task.

Dan and I attended a wedding of a dear friend on Saturday night, August 10^th.  As we were driving, I had a slight intuition that this would be our last date night as a duo, though a big part of me remained confident that we would get to use our gift card at the St. Paul grill on Sunday morning for their delicious brunch (seriously, it’s good).  We did get to stop at Sonic for tots and a malt before the wedding so that made me happy too.  We had a good time at the wedding but towards the end of the dinner, I just could not get comfortable in my chair, walking around, or anywhere else for that matter.  We decided to call it a night.

Here it is, the very last photo of pre-labor Carise.  No, I didn't drink Hennessey....though maybe I would have if I knew what was coming that night.

We got home and got ready to go to sleep.  The discomfort continued while I was lying in bed.  It seemed that all of my “go to” sleeping positions were failing me.  Leg over 12 pillows and lying on my side…rush of pain.  Child’s pose with pillows propped under my chest…rush of pain.  Sitting up in bed and bingeing on Tums…rush of pain and didn’t touch the heartburn.  Refusing to think I was having actual contractions, I decided to “try out” my contraction counter app (you know, for when I was going into actual labor).  You will notice a theme of disbelief throughout this story and this was the beginning. 

Dan began to notice my discomfort and unusual amount of wiggling, even for a full term pregnant lady.  I told him that I was having some pain rushes but it would probably go away if I could just fall asleep.  He popped out of bed like a hot kernel and started doing household chores and packing a birth center bag.  I continued to try to get comfortable and was mildly annoyed that Dan was getting his hopes up.  I was sure we would both be disappointed and we would chalk this up to one of the many “fake labor” experiences that everyone is supposed to have.

Well, as you may have figured out the “pain rushes” were actual contractions and they did not stop.  I sent a text to Angela, our doula, at some point in the wee hours of Saturday night to let her know what I was feeling.  I made sure to let her know that I thought this wasn’t anything significant (denial) but within the same text I mentioned that the contractions kept waking me up and that they were consistently 5-6 minutes apart.  I tentatively informed our friend Lisa, who would be photographing our birth, that she might want to clear her schedule for Sunday afternoon if this kept up.

It kept up.  Sunday was pretty much a blur.  I was tired.  We were both tired.  Our last solid sleep was Friday night and had I known that I would have slept for 16 hours.  We did everything people who labor at home are told to do.  We walked outside, I got in the bathtub, we watched movies, Dan did house chores.  It became very important that he vacuum the dog hair since I was rolling around on the floor during contractions.  I was instructed by Angela to try and get some sleep at some point.  The problem was, my contractions were as frequent and regular as reggae beat and relentlessly dedicated to keeping me awake. 

By 5pm on Sunday evening we were frustrated and tired and decided it was time for Angela to come over and help us out.  In my head, she was going to come tell me how to stop my fake labor (denial) and give Dan a much-needed break from being my only shoulder to hang on.  She showed up and began what I like to call “doula boot camp”.  I told her I either wanted the contractions to stop or hurry the hell up and get on with life.  Before I knew it, I was taking stairs two-at-a-time, squatting next to my baby’s crib, lunging sideways in the stairwell, and pushing my energy to the limit.  But this was nowhere near the limit.  The limit was still to come.

At about 7pm, Lisa showed up with her camera.  Lisa photographed our wedding three years ago, my brother’s wedding, my mom’s 50^th birthday celebration, my headshots when I opened my own business, my maternity photos a few weeks earlier…she has seen the most important moments of my life through the camera lens and supported us through it all.  When she walked in, the small part of me that believed this was real labor got a little bigger and with it came a rush of emotions.  I sobbed on Dan’s shoulder, realizing what I was expected to do and doubting whether I was ready or what it would do to our relationship.  After that emotional release, I felt ready and willing to take it to the next level.

At 9:30 we headed to the Minnesota Birth Center where Tanya and Lindsay, our midwives, would be waiting for us.  I had two contractions while driving on Chicago Avenue towards the birth center and Dan yelled at a jaywalker.  Who can jay walk at a time like this?  In my head, I thought I needed to be much more in labor than I was in order for the midwives to take me seriously so I (shamefully) embellished some of my first contractions at the birth center so they wouldn’t send me home…I really wanted to use their tub. 

With the lights dim, candles burning, my playlist playing, I settled into the marvelous birthing tub.  I labored for hours and grew more and more exhausted with each contraction.  The nagging thoughts began.  Will I have the energy to do this?  I haven’t slept since Friday night and now I’m expected to birth a child…how the hell am I going to do it?  What if my body gives up?  Will I end up at the hospital?

At some point into active labor, I was told that I was dilating within the normal curve of progression but on the lower end of normal.  I was unaware of how many centimeters I was.  I did not want any numbers in my labor experience since numbers are what drove me crazy during my pregnancy…which is a whole ‘nuther story.  The midwives asked if I would agree to them breaking my waters.  This came as a relief.  At least SOMETHING was changing. They warned me that the rhythm of labor would intensify which, although the nagging thoughts were questioning if I could do it, felt like assurance to me that it would be over soon.

Intensify is a mild term for what happened.  And I don’t mean intensify just in a physical sense of the word.  My emotions, my nagging thoughts, my self-doubt, my fears, my need for my husband, my fear about whether my baby would be healthy…everything was magnified.  The height of the physical intensity occurred when we realized baby was hanging out posterior and we needed a solution.  Angela and the midwives discussed what would work best and after some healthy debate, the solution would be to lay me on the bed in a spinal twist to endure three contractions.  The first attempt at this ended with me springing to my hands and knees and insisting that there was no way I could endure the pain.  The midwives firmly informed me that this was necessary and proceeded to hold my legs down.  I instructed Dan to kneel on the floor next to the bed and not break eye contact.  I let out my animal noises at point blank range next to my husband and he remained steady through the intensity.  It wasn’t until after the birth that I was grateful for this moment since many birth teams may have suggested interventions rather than a little “tough love” J.

I got in the tub for what would be the last time before welcoming our baby into the world.  I didn’t know this at the time and if I would have known that Cash was coming soon, I may have felt better.  I felt utterly hopeless.  I still didn’t believe this was real and more importantly, felt powerless against my fatigue.  It just didn’t make sense how I was going to get through.  I mentioned this over and over.  I asked the team how I was going to do this and they said “one contraction at a time”.  Coincidentally, during each contraction I would express that I couldn’t do it, only to be reminded that I WAS doing it.

Right before I started pushing I disappeared to somewhere else.  I fixated on a spot on the wall and took mini naps in between contractions.  I had no energy to speak or interact with my team and heard myself making noises that I didn’t know could come from a human.  I briefly noticed that everyone in the room was sitting and watching me, looking very tired.  This was frustrating since I thought I was wasting their time and would not actually be giving birth (SERIOUS denial), but in reality, everyone else in the room trusted my body besides me.  They knew I was doing what I needed and all it would take was a little more patience. 

With wisdom and confidence, Tanya then instructed me to keep from expelling all of my air and to direct it downwards towards my pelvis during each contraction.  It was time to push.  Angela looked me in the eye and said “Cash is coming, it’s time”. 

Pushing was an amazing experience.  I distinctly remember the moment where the team told me to reach down and feel my baby’s head starting to emerge.  Dan recalls that my energy shifted from exhaustion to determination at this point.  I felt baby’s hair, and lots of it!  Lisa recalled that she noticed nurses coming in with different equipment for the baby and got excited along with us.  With each pushing contraction my voice got a little more hoarse and my body more and more exhausted but my spirit was alive.  I knew I would be crowning soon and after being instructed to not push during crowning (SO difficult!), the next thing I knew I was being told to reach down and pull my baby out of the water. 

Cash Michael Beard was born at 5:25am on August 12^th, 30 hours after the first contractions started.  As I pulled him onto my chest, he wrapped his arms around my breasts, he knew who mama was!  I was elated.  Immediately the pain and exhaustion of the past two days of labor were a distant memory.  I had my son.  I sat in the tub with him on my chest for a number of blissful minutes while the whole room expressed their awe over his hair and his size!  He weighed in at a hefty 10.2lbs and I felt even more like a super human for doing it all naturally.

Dan got his chance to hold Cash while I was working on getting the placenta out and getting cleaned and sewed up (while it may be TMI, apparently only 2 stitches for a 10lb baby is pretty good…I guess there WAS some wisdom to not pushing during crowning right away).  I didn’t care what was going on down there.  I had birthed my son and felt on top of the world. 

The next few hours were some of the most sacred of my life.  We nestled into the birthing suite with our new little one while the wonderful staff at the birth center cared for us, made me bread, fixed an herbal bath for Cash and myself, and celebrated our new life with us.  Though I intend to dedicate an entire separate post to this, I will never stop singing praises of how wonderful the experience at the Minnesota Birth Center was for our family.  At no point did they show anything but unwavering confidence in me as I labored.  Initially there was some attention being paid to Cash’s glucose levels and heightened respirations because of his size and instead of approaching this from a place of fear, the nurses and staff monitored him with care, instructed me to be peaceful and keep him on my chest, and explained everything to us in a calm, rational manner.  I trusted them completely the whole time.  When my family came to meet their newest family member, the staff shared in their excitement and made the space safe and joyous for all of us. 

The weeks since have brought equal amounts of joy and challenge.  As I am navigating the world as a mama, I find myself daydreaming often about my birth experience and how I had to completely let go of the “rationale” of it all and let my body do what it was made to do.  The moment I realized I couldn’t think my way through labor was both the scariest and most rewarding moment of my life.  I was dipping into reserves of strength and confidence that I had been unaware of up until this point.  The lasting memories of labor are not of the pain or discomfort, but of the moment I pulled Cash out of the water and onto my body and the overwhelming bliss that accompanied.  In the middle of the night when my mind and body are weary yet my child demands my energy, I replay the birth and feel the joy once again.  While driving in the car with Cash, I play the birth playlist and believe that it brings both of us comfort.  Never again will I think I am incapable of something.  Never again will I believe that my body is weak and insufficient.  And I will never forget the feeling of love I had for my child from the moment I first felt his soft head against my cheek.

Happy One Month my gorgeous little human....

"Soooo...have you had that baby yet?"

I have spent a good week debating on whether to blog about this particular question.  I weighed the facts that a) complaining about this may make me seem like an ungrateful Veruca Salt of a person, b) some who read this may be offended, and c) that it violates my intention of not complaining at all during the last few weeks of my pregnancy so my baby gets tricked into thinking that his/her mama is not nearly as cynical as people make her out to be.  Ultimately, I decided that based on scientific research asking all my pregnant friends, my sentiments are shared by many, therefore making this a message worth spreading.

As some of my loyal followers may have noticed, I have not blogged for weeks.  My brief explanation is that I have been on this "do whatever I want" kick for my whole 3rd trimester.  Many times I sat down with my laptop to blog an update and looked across the room to my bed or a bag of potato chips and abruptly changed my plans.  People keep saying that babies change your life and your "me" time so I've been overachieving in the indulgence department and truly not feeling bad about it.  So my apologies if I left you hanging but here I am!  Just in time for one more blog before the big show.

Ok, so on to the main topic of the day....

There is but one question that elicits pure ire in the hyper-sensitive nerves of late 3rd trimester pregnant women across the nation, and that question is...

"So, have you had that baby yet?"

Other versions of this question may come in the form of:

"Are you STILL pregnant?"
"Have you had any symptoms of labor?"
"How long will they let you go?"
"Soooo...any news!!?"
"You haven't called/emailed/facebooked/tweeted/showed up at the DQ in a few hours, are you in labor?"

By the way, if you're wondering what the answer to whether I've had my baby, you can click on this link until further notice.


But let's really think about this, folks, with the exception of that one night stand you had in Cabo, you ALWAYS hear about someone giving birth to a child within your realm of interest....usually within minutes and at the very longest, hours of the child being born.  We, as the people carrying the child, have thought about the joy of finally being able to share the pictures/name/birth story with our loved ones since the day those two little lines appeared on that plastic stick.  So all of this to say, we have no intention of hiding this news from you in any way, shape, or form when it happens.

Now, I'm not a completely jaded asshole, I fully realize that asking this question is usually someone wanting to share their excitement and joy in a way that shows they are paying attention.  In fact, believe me when I say that I am beyond grateful that our little buttermilk biscuit will be ushered into a world full of people who love him/her more than life itself.  However, I do feel the need to say for pregnant persons everywhere that there is only one thing that we want during these last few weeks:

To be left alone.

This waiting time has biological and psychological purposes.  In the wild and in more primal human cultures, females will often be seen retreating to the woods or a safe, quiet, place to labor and prep for the birth of their offspring.  This allows her to feel safe and focus on all of the sensations within her body and mind.  Even in our modern urban amazon, you will often see a woman finding a corner of the hospital room or an area under a desk to retreat and regroup during labor.  The desire to retreat weeks before the baby is born, in my opinion, is a way to seize the last few moments that the baby and mom are one, before we share them with the world.  A way to focus all of our minimal energy on the task at hand; bringing this baby soul into the world.  As my cousin wisely put it while we were discussing this phenomenon "Your body isn't even your own space right now - how would you have any extra to give?".

Here's the part that is hard to explain...when we hear messages like "have you had that baby yet?", it feels like we owe an explanation or an update that we may or may not have.  Though I believe this to be far from the questioner's intention, it feels like pressure to perform and there's just no getting around that feeling.  Particularly for first time moms like me, we need to be focused LESS on all of the changes within our bodies and more on embracing the whole of the experience.  I have nearly drove myself crazy by analyzing every change (yesterday's Google search history included "teeth tingling a sign of labor?") and being asked whether there are any changes happening by people outside of my own head only encourages my obsession.  As our wise birth educators told us during our last birth prep class, "There's only room for one head in mama's pelvis, and that's the baby's".  

Never before has this phenomenon of needing updates been more apparent than during the recent birth of Kate and William's privileged little bundle of royalty.  Typically, I have little sympathy for women who get their tea and crumpets prepared for them daily and receive home-baked lavender cookies to ease morning sickness but, dammit, I like Kate.  I like her a lot.  I think she's a fabulous mum and I admire both of them for attempting some sense of normalcy throughout this whole ordeal.  Plus, that girl earned her stripes.  Hyperemesis Gravidarum is no joke.  I found myself a little too agitated by all of the "royal baby watch" news, particularly when the headlines read "She's Overdue!" or "Kate's Mom Lied About the Due Date!" I wanted to write my own story and title it "Kindly Climb the F**K Out of Kate's Asshole and Give a Girl Her Space!".  I cannot imagine that much media attention centered around my cervix.  

A recent study just came out stating that healthy pregnancies can vary in delivery dates by as much as 5 weeks.  That means it could be completely reasonable for a woman to birth her child at 37 weeks or 42 weeks plus a few days.  Our culture certainly does little to support this idea and remains focused on a single day that baby is "expected" and if that doesn't happen, there is something "wrong".  

So for those of you who have asked "the question" to a pregnant woman (myself included, before I was enlightened), it's not your fault!  It's the messages around you.  Two weeks ago, I decided to delete my "pregnancy tracker" app from my iPhone because the countdown function was making me crazy.  I also unsubscribed from pregnancy tracker emails or really anything that had to do with numbers trying to tell me when my baby would come.  The midwives at the MN Birth Center do not do internal exams during the last month so I have no idea if I'm dilated or effaced (and yes, it's ok if you don't know what that is).  They see it as unnecessary information that just gives women false hopes...so wise.

Also, I've decided to call the whole last month of pregnancy "labor".  So if you ask me if I'm in labor, I'm going to say yes.  I have daily contractions, daily "stirrings", daily emotional changes, daily unfamiliar sensations and they are ALL necessary in the process of getting this baby out.  My body is in preparation for a marathon.  We call both training for a marathon and participating in a marathon "running" so I've decided, hell yeah, I'm in labor.  There's nothing "fake" about it.  

So please do not be offended if I seem distant or cold when questioned about when baby is coming.  I am simply in retreat mode and will gladly emerge from my birth cocoon in a few weeks with a huge smile on my face and huge baby in my arms (yep, we've got a big one).  I'll even share the nitty gritty details of birth if you're game.  

And just to end on a positive, non-cynical note, I've decided to share a recent photo taken during my maternity session by the lovely Lisa Venticinque who will also be photographing my birth.  I put this in here, stretch marks and all to show that I can be vulnerable and cynical at the same time!  In fact, I've found that's the best way to approach pregnancy.... :)

Also!  In new baby news, my bestest best friend in the whole world birthed two beautiful babies on July 31st and they all make my heart so happy, welcome to the world Wyatt and Olivia!!  Congratulations Bree and Evan.

By the way, she had a scheduled C-Section and people STILL asked her whether she had those babies yet.....

ok, I'm done complaining now

XOXOXO

Carise