Some Amusing Musings - and a Reminder to Respect the Pregnant Woman in Your Life

Hard to believe it's been a full four weeks since I last blogged and that mini-Beard is that much closer to making his/her debut.  This post, true to the "stream of consciousness" nature of my cerebral process, has no real rhyme or reason but is just a collection of some of my thoughts lately and things that have happened since I last wrote.

FIRST and most joyous of announcements, my dear friends Rachel, Kyle and their daughter Harper have successfully welcomed their little Maela into the world as of yesterday afternoon at 12:30.  Rachel and I have had quite the journey of being pregnant together.  From the night at the Varsity Theatre in November when I attempted to buy Rachel a vodka tonic only to be met with puppy dog eyes that signified her new status as "knocked up" to the moment of panic four weeks after that when I called her with my own news of a positive pile of pregnancy tests, she has been my road dog through this whole thing.  And because the fertility gods smiled upon our group of friends, our lovely friend Lisa joined the pregnancy pact 10 weeks after me.  We are all 10 weeks apart and celebrating Rachel's little one feels a little like tipping over the first domino - THEY'RE ALL COMING DOWN!  Rachel started the trend off with a brave, unmedicated water birth and was sitting around eating cookies with us hours after her birth.  Congratulations, my love, Maela is a rockstar.

Another great celebration - I just found out today that my friend Tricia who has been tirelessly in the adoption process to bring her little one over from Haiti finally has this little angel in her arms.  This has been a long journey but I am so excited for her and little Saraphina.  Look at these gorgeous ladies!  Can't wait to meet her :)

We have been doing our fair share of celebrations as well these past few weeks.  We had three different showers and have felt like B-list celebrities.  The first (which I don't have any pictures of, for some reason...probably cause everyone was too busy being awesome) was thrown by future auntie Megan and uncle Caleb.  Instead of your typical baby shower, we decided to spice it up by having a silent auction to raise money for our doula costs.  The auction "items" were not items by any means but rather some significant roles in our child's life including the rights to giving our child their first beer, the rights to teaching them how to drive a stick shift, picking out the baby's Twitter handle, picking out our family's first Christmas card outfits and pose, etc...  We had so much fun and sincerely hope our guests did as well.   A huge thank you to Caleb and Megan and their families for putting together such a unique shower for our unique little family.

Another super aunt/uncle duo, Mindy and Charlie, hosted our second shower for Dan's side of the family.  For many many holidays we have surrounded other members of the family to celebrate new baby arrivals (LOTS of babies in this family! :) and I will admit that it was a bit surreal that it is now our turn.  I kept having to remind myself that I was the pregnant one and that our baby would be the next to be passed around at Thanksgiving.  Ours will probably stick out though because he/she will be a brunette in an array of blonde beauties ;).  This shower was also awesome...in general, friends, baby showers are awesome, seriously.  I never thought I'd get so excited about baby gear, but alas, I have crossed over to the "other" side officially.  Here's a particularly good picture that captures our excitement.

Just last week I was treated to a shower hosted by my mom's group of friends...aka the "WGs".  That stands for "wild girls" and no, it's not just a clever name...they really are wild and regularly get kicked out of restaurants or at the very least get dirty looks for raucous behavior :)  These women have been in my life since I was a wee tot myself.  I had so much fun with them.  Baby did too.  Mini-Beard decided to put on quite a show towards the end and kick around for all to feel.  This kid takes after Mama in his/her center stage tendencies.  I did also eat 2 cupcakes so the performance may have been sugar-high induced.  Alas, I felt honored to share the uterine gymnastics with these women and am especially grateful to Sue who is currently fighting breast cancer like a boss, yet still pulled out all the stops to throw me a shower I'll never forget.  Love you ladies!

Sue feeling the triple sau cow my baby was performing....ignore the dude in the back, WTF?

Here's a random thing that I found entertaining...

There's this picture in the bathroom next to my office.  And although this may create a mental picture that makes you uncomfortable, it's worth noting that this picture was the picture I stared at like a deer in the headlights after watching my pregnancy test turn "positive".  Just this week I realized the coincidental nature of this photo...I mean, could it be anymore "birth-y"??

Puppies and babies....seriously.

A funny thing happened on the way to the checkout....

Really weird things happen to you when you are large and pregnant.  So the other day I was at Trader Joe's purchasing tofu (some of you who follow me on Facebook have heard a snapshot of this story).  For fellow tofu enthusiasts, you all understand how tofu is sold most commonly - tightly packed in about 2 cups of water.  Well, I picked a package off of the refrigerated shelf but failed to see that I picked the one with a faulty packing job.  The plastic wrap was cut and as I innocently whisked the tofu into my cart, all of the tofu juice water fell to the ground between my legs.  I chose to wear a skirt that day.  I spent the next 2 minutes explaining to all of the staff and patrons in my vicinity that I was not, in fact, going into labor after a broken water bag but that the faulty tofu was the culprit....awkward.

Here's some specs and a pic for week 31 (I'm still in disbelief that I'm already in the 30's).  In general, I've had the sneaking suspicion that the "honeymoon" phase of pregnancy is long gone.  I'm starting to feel big...like real big.  I've got odd rules about eating at certain times or napping at certain times which makes me feel more like a toddler than a grown adult but I'm ready to ride this out and more ready than ever to face the reality of a baby being at the finish line of all of this!

Editor's note : I just realized from this angle, it looks like under the "Reading" category that is says "just farted Baby Catcher"....in fact, it says "just finished Baby Catcher".  Maybe I'm the only one that sees that but in case I'm not, I thought I'd clear that up.  But I could dedicate an entire post to.....well, never mind.

And now a reflective, philosophical note...

I wanted to end on something else that has been on my mind lately that I think everyone deserves to  hear about.  Something that I did not understand until I was facing mama-hood, myself.  Loving a child, whether they are unborn, newborn, currently awaiting adoption, or full-grown is simultaneously the most natural/effortless thing in the world and also bone-chilling to your very core.  Since I only have experience in the "unborn" child world, I will tell you that not a day minute goes by where I don't wonder about the well-being of my baby and from what I hear, that doesn't go away any time soon.  I have heard so many stories in recent months and even recent hours of mamas who were facing some scary situations with their children and a new part of my heart that I didn't know existed aches for what they are facing or have faced.  I truly did not understand how much of a mind/body/soul workout it is to care for a child.  I think twice now before I look at a mom or dad who appears to have "everything"- healthy kids, smiling face, hair done - because I know there was undoubtedly a time in their life when they faced the daunting monster of The Unknown.  

I could dedicate an entire post to the power The Unknown can have over otherwise rational humans when it comes to loving children (or really just living life in general) and I certainly don't want to come across as Debbie Downer at the end of such a positive blog but I, myself, often need a reminder of the "balls" it takes to love someone.  Women are amazing.  Seriously.  I've watched women in my life endure the scariest of circumstances with grace and courage and know that the blueprint for me as a mama couldn't be more inspiring.  Scary moments pass, worry fades, and what's left is pure, raw, uncontrollable love which can only be likened to how "in control" of your emotions you felt as a horny teenager back in the day (and even that is a weak comparison).  To all the mamas facing The Unknown (you know who you are), know that this time of intensity is temporary and the answers are always in your own thick mama skin no matter what is happening around you.  To all the mamas who have faced and defeated fear, you are my heroes.  And to everyone in between..go hug a mama/papa and tell them Carise told you to :).  This shit is real, man.

Lots and lots of positivity and love to you all.....I cringe to think at how stretched out I will feel the NEXT time I blog :)

Love, Dan, Carise & Mini-Beard (and of course, Dakota and Monti)

The Conundrums of Motherhood

Happy Mother's Day for those of you who celebrate this day!  This is the first time I have had one foot in each role of celebrator and celebrated.  It's quite enjoyable and a little weird as well.  As I was bustling around to get gifts for my mom, grandmas, and other mother-type people, the woman at Patina stared and my ever-expanding girth and said, "oooh! Is this your first Mother's Day? You should buy something for yourself too!".  I'm always tempted in these situations to put on my best Regina George bitch face and scream, "I'm not pregnant, you jerk!!!!!"....but I withheld and just smiled...and bought myself something.

This experience made me think of all of the things about pregnancy/motherhood that are happening to me simultaneously yet are opposing forces.  For instance, focusing on what I've always done on Mother's Day (celebrate others) yet receiving appreciation for my own short journey into motherhood.  Lately I've been feeling the pressure both physically and emotionally about my upcoming life change.  I waited for SO long for summer to arrive and now that the weather is changing, I feel myself with a slight panic that this season brings me a newborn.  By the time the leaves change, I will have a human that I am responsible for!  It is the weirdest thing to both wish time would speed up and slow down.

I've also been experiencing a slower pace of life, which my monkey brain tells me I should be utilizing to prep the house for baby, make myself meals ahead of time, install car seat, etc... yet what I usually end up doing is taking a nap with my dogs.  It's like two versions of me at odds with one another, "Carise, get all this s**t done or you will regret it!!" vs. "Carise, do nothing and sleep while you can or you will regret it!"

Since baby has been moving quite a bit, I find myself thinking about how much he/she will be moving once they are outside and in my arms.  And that's just the tip of the iceberg of what I wonder about their outside life.  What will they look like?  What will they sleep (not sleep) like?  Will there be any health issues?  Will I be woman enough to handle this? Will the dogs accept our new family member?  Yet everyone who's been pregnant tells me to revel in this time that they are within my body and I can feel their movements because I will miss it someday.  Lemme tell ya, the grass seems greener on the other side some days...at least then I know what I'm dealing with and it's not one big unknown.

At prenatal yoga class this evening, our instructor Lindsay asked us to write down a definition of motherhood and she read them intermittently through the class.  She came to my definition when we were in our final resting pose, shavasana (the nap at the end of class...for all you non-yogis).  As she read the words, I knew they were mine but I had a hard time believing that those words came from my own head since I have a hard time trusting my own intuition sometimes.  Here is what I came up with:

"Motherhood is something we are simultaneously and instinctively amazing at...yet never quite ready for"

Chills ran down my spine as I heard my own words being read and realized that all of the conundrums about pregnancy, motherhood, and womanhood in general were not meant for me to choose from, but rather to co-exist in perfect imperfection.

A few years ago, my cousin Beth forwarded me a video project that sought to answer the question of what mom's would say to their pregnant selves if they could go back in time.  Being that it is Mother's Day and that I have yet to find a more positive yet realistic picture of what moms experience in the journey of becoming a mother, it is my delight to share it with you this evening.

Take a moment, dry your tears....this video always gets me too....

Here's one last picture for you...

Aaaand, since we've had plenty of emo and sentimental time during this blog entry, I leave you with a story about the lighter side of pregnancy....

Earlier this week, my dear husband and I were watching TV and I was donning my usual nighttime attire which consists of little more than a tank top and some Victorias Secret sensible cotton briefs.  I got up to switch the channel and Dan, in all his honest-to-goodness innocence said to me, "Babe, are your underwear shrinking cause of the new dryer?  Maybe we need to check the settings?"

No dear, that's my ass girth expanding for the purpose of birthing your child into this world....thanks.

Hope that made your night....

XOXOXOXO

Love, all of the Beards

24 Weeks: A Mid-Pregnancy Plot Twist!

Hello friends and family.  It has been a couple weeks since my last post and OH so much has happened since then.  Nothing serious, baby is still cooking and kicking, BUT we have made a huge decision in terms of how we approach the second half of our pregnancy.

One of the most empowering things about pregnancy for me has been my ability and right to make choices when it comes to my health and the health of Mini Beard.  Last post I discussed how it can be a bit daunting at times to feel so out of control and have fears about what will happen during birth, after birth and for the rest of my damn life as a parent.  Dan and I have promised each other from the beginning that we were not going to parent from a place of fear, despite there being 200000 things to fear when you are preparing to bring life into the world.

Through much discussion and yoga meditations, we have decided to abandon our plan to birth at a hospital and to switch to a birthing center.  Now, if you are anything like I was 6 months ago, you probably have no friggen clue what the difference between the two are.  Let me briefly explain.  You all are familiar with what a hospital is, I assume.  Well, a birth center (and by the way, in the Twin Cities there are THREE different birth centers all covered by major insurance companies which is unheard of in most cities!) is a place where women can birth in a home-like environment surrounded by midwives/nurses/doulas.  At a birthing center you will not be offered the standard birth medications such as epidurals and IV narcotics and they cannot perform C-Sections.  In general, labor is a much slower and gradual process that focuses on the experience of the mother.  Babies are not whisked away right after birth but are instead placed on the mother's chest, mamas get to eat whatever they want, wear whatever they want, and play music as loud as they want (my personal favorite).

The BEST part for me about birthing centers is that they do not operate from a place of fear and do not see pregnancy as a medical condition that needs intervention and treatment.  Instead of focusing on preventing what could go WRONG, birth centers orient themselves around enhancing what is already RIGHT about the natural birthing process.

For those family members or friends who may be worried about the "what if's", fear not, we have chosen a place that is directly across the street from the most state-of-the-art birthing hospital in MN.  When we asked the birth center staff about the "what if's", they said that about 1 out of 10 women will need to transfer to a hospital and they simply walk you across the street and stay with you throughout your birth.

Here's a few pictures of the birth center we chose.  It's called the Minnesota Birth Center and is a delicious 2 miles from our house.  Gorgeous, right!?  Can I just stay for the whole last month?

We are beyond thrilled to start our second half of our journey in a new place with a new focus.  There are so very many things that are out of our control as parents-to-be and humans in general (as I stare at the disgusting MN weather literally s****ing on my porch right now) that it can feel so great to take control of what IS available to you.  And yes, Dan will record the phrases that come out of my mouth mid-birth as I yell at the wonderful MBC staff for not having any pain medications.....

Here are some fun things right now:

A very LARGE 24 week gestating baby!

Baby is (supposedly) the size of a CANTELOUPE

Currently loving ALL OF THE FOODS! (Neapolitan pizza tasted great this week)

Currently tolerating MY KID DECIDING THAT THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IS THE BEST TIME FOR JAZZERCISE

Currently listening to BOB MARLEY, HOPING TO COAX SUMMER TO ARRIVE SOON

Currently reading FLASH CARDS TO PREP FOR MY MFT FINAL ORAL EXAM (still)

Currently looking forward to VISITING BEN AND TAYLOR IN AZ OVER MEMORIAL DAY - OUR LAST PLANE RIDE AS A TWOSOME!

A special shout out to my cousin Beth and her husband Geoff for hosting me and cooking me delicious meals last weekend in Denver!  

Xoxo

Your round friend, Carise

Mama Lessons Don't Wait till the Kid Pops Out

I am STILL unable to get to our whiteboard wall to create a beautiful little diagram of baby's size and recent cravings and such but our house remodel is ALMOST done.  My dear family will be finishing painting while I am in Denver visiting my cousin next week, THEN I will show pictures and get back to our whiteboard.

These last few weeks have been very exciting.  We got our first little peek at the little one, who was VERY active and had a hard time cooperating with the ultrasound technician in order to get adequate pictures (clearly this kid takes after their father, NOT their mother).  Because of this and because my placenta is being a bit rebellious and hanging out somewhat close to the great cervical opening, we will be getting another little peek around 28-30 weeks to make sure all is go for delivery.

One thing I did not expect to happen so soon was the "mama worry brain" to set in so quickly.  Throughout the course of prenatal care, as is common for many women, we have been given various ratios and risk factors for different disorders.  Though I'm grateful for the medical world's ability to provide information and early intervention, if necessary, an unplanned side effect of these ratios is that most mamas already have a threshold of worry for their child and if you tell them there's a .001% chance of something, they will believe it's a done deal and start planning for the infant apocalypse.

The most frustrating thing about the medical testing world is that it sends the message to mamas like me that we can't handle the unknown.  We MUST know and we MUST find answers.  In reality, we cannot possibly know or predict everything that will happen and (dare I say) it's GOOD for us to get used to that as soon as possible.  Our kid could break their toe, have asthma, fall off their bike, get punched by a bully, or even become an ultra-conservative republican - eeps! :) - and we have NO CONTROL of that.

What I do have control of is what I chose to focus on.  Most of the times I chose to focus on the joy, newness, celebration, love in our household, love in our families, etc... but there are those times when hormones win and before you know it, I've googled myself into anxious oblivion.  From what I hear, this is a struggle for any mom whether their little one is in utero or roaming free. What has helped me stay sane is yoga, Dan, my dogs, taking up crocheting (yes, believe it folks), and trusting the wisdom of Bob Marley that every little thing is gonna be alright.  And for the love of Jah friends, take it from me, Google is not a doctor and does not have children.

My kid is kicking like crazy right now so I think that means that they agree with me...

Much love to you all from all 5 of us!  Here's some fun things...

Bump at 21 weeks.  Not the best lighting and seen through a dirty mirror but you also get a sneak peek at our new wood floors!

Baby is currently the size of a pomegranate
Currently loving cereal, specifically Rice Chex
Currently tolerating wanting to eat a lot but running out of room
Currently listening to Justin Timberlake The 20/20 Experience - AMAZING
Currently reading flash cards to prep for my MFT orals in a couple weeks

ONE MORE THING! Since I tend to be very outspoken (what? me?) I have been contacted by WCCO to give some insight regarding my view of medical testing during pregnancy and what the process is like for pregnant women.  I'll keep you all tuned regarding when/if this airs and whether they chose to have my voice in the final cut.  If not, you can bet I'll find another platform somewhere!

19 Weeks: Transitional Chaos

Well, you guys don't get a fancy whiteboard picture of my belly today because this is what our computer room with the whiteboard wall currently looks like...

It is where we are storing all of our upstairs furniture as we are remodeling the bedroom and nursery.  Dan and I are sleeping in the "bat cave" downstairs which doubles as our guest room but we aren't allowed to call it a bedroom cause there are no windows.  This also makes it surprisingly easy to sleep until noon.  BUT, we are so excited to see how the final product turns out.

Here's some more of the progress...

Nursery.  We ripped up carpet and hired some wonderful contractors to knock down some walls while we were on vacation.  This was once a closet and will now become a reading/play nook.

Other side of the nook, plus a sneak peek at the nursery colors

My baby daddy, painting the ceiling.

Our bedroom got a wall knocked down too to make a bigger closet.  Until now the "nursery" was utilized as "Carise's walk-in closet".  I may be a little bitter about losing that luxury for a while.

Other side of our closet.  It's not pictured, but on the other side of the wall, there is an expletive scratched into the ceiling that was etched in prior to the popcorn ceiling application.  (By the way, we also ditched the popcorn ceiling which frees me from a lot of knuckle scratch injuries as I'm putting on my shirts....who's idea was popcorn ceilings anyway?  Terrible)  The expletive we found read "F**K you Tim!  You lying...."  This person did not finish their sentance and now I'm left wondering just what Tim was.

Don't worry, Mom.  While I was taking these, I had a mask on.

As many of you know, we just returned from a lovely trip to Isla Mujeres with my fam.  It was perfect and just what we needed.  Admittedly, it was a lot easier to have your house renovated and not be living in it at the same time, alas, by mid-week all work should be done and we can start the fun stuff; painting, decorating, filling the nursery with unnecessary baby things, you know....

Mini-Beard is really starting to move around these days.  I noticed a lot of movement while in Mexico, which I fully expected since I'M happier in Mexico as well.  One night I ate some stuffed jalapenos and I coulda swore my kid was gonna tap dance right out of my uterus.  The movements are fun to feel but it makes me wonder how "fun" they will be when the kid gets some bigger limbs and stronger muscles.  I'm also feeling more and more "stretched" these days which I also assume is just the beginning.

This week we have our mid-pregnancy ultrasound where we will find out the gender of our little Beard.  It's too bad you all can't get me drunk and get me to spill the secret of the gender, huh!?  We are pretty excited.  

Since I can't write all the specs on the whiteboard, here's the rundown for the week:

19 Weeks

Baby is the size of a MANGO

Currently loving chips and guacamole 

Currently tolerating a seemily unending winter....and still peeing 6x/night

Looking forward to the ultrasound, the season changing, and going to see my cousin Beth in Denver in 3 weeks

And here's what my belly looks like from MY point of view...which will have to suffice for this week.

Isla Mujeres pictures to come soon!!!

XOXOXO Carise

Are You Crazy?

I mean, do you really want to follow the nitty gritty details of my pregnancy and be privy to every ache, craving, and expanding girth?  I'm sure you can find many other interesting things on the interwebs to follow.  But if you're still here and still interested, I promise to at least add a bit of sarcasm and humor to entertain you.  In fact, there are multiple opportunities for sarcasm and humor during pregnancy, as some of you may know.  Perhaps the most humorous story is how we even got here in the first place....(before I go into further detail, if our kid asks any of you, they were perfectly planned and expected and made our empty lives whole).

As many of you know, I spent much of my internship years as a sex educator in Minneapolis public schools where I taught young people many different ways to avoid an unplanned pregnancy and practice safer sex.  And yes, many MANY people have already pointed out the coincidental nature of this fact.  (No, it's not irony, that's something different)

Around October of this year, I was in the process of being diagnosed with a hormonal imbalance known to cause difficulty reproducing without intensive medical intervention.  This process involved blood tests, exams, and even an ultrasound.  I had come to accept that our chances of conceiving may be low which had one silver lining - we could "pull the goalie" without worrying too much about scoring an unplanned point.

My hours of sex education training clearly failed me, because 4 weeks later we had two positive pregnancy tests on our hands (Ok, 4..it was hard to believe).  I can't tell the story without making a plug for something that I believed contributed to this little surprise.  During the process of diagnosis, I decided to balance my hormones naturally using intensive acupuncture, Chinese herbs, yoga, and eliminating many types of chemicals from my diet.  Though the goal was not to make a baby, I truly believe that these changes made it not only possible to conceive but like a little paradise oasis for a zygote.  I never ended up being diagnosed with any hormonal imbalance...but the diagnosis of pregnant was certainly enough to wrap our minds around.

First trimester I hibernated.  I watched a lot of Hulu.  I survived the flu.  I existed primarily on lime flavored soda water and saltine crackers.  Mentally, I was kind of a crazy person.  I assumed that having a child meant losing everything about me and how I knew myself to be.  Once I came out of that fog, I realized that it didn't have to be so dramatic and was ready to start letting myself get excited.

So here we are, and here you are.  And if you're still reading, it seems we both have an interest in this pregnancy and we will both be involved in the life if this little Beard.  I will do my best to answer every question you have preemptively, except for one...We will not be announcing the gender of the little Beard until the day he/she emerges from the Uterine Hotel.  We have our reasons but mostly its because its fun to have a secret...a secret that I can actually keep, unlike when I found out I was pregnant and couldn't get through a sentence around family without blurting it out.

Welcome to our completely planned and expected journey :)